I recently relocated to a small town and invited a member of the local Chamber of Commerce out for coffee to briefly explain what I do: provide online help and support to partners of sex addicts. This is a fairly heavy topic and I asked that she listen with her heart. Suffice it to say, she was not the best listener…
Soon after that, she included me in an email she sent to one or two men in a local gay resource organization, telling them to welcome me and that I am gay and that I work with sex addicts… None of which is true!
I don’t work with sex addicts… I work with their partners. And I do not identify as gay, even though I did spend 27+ years with a woman. Hold on, I will address that in a moment…
Can you imagine introducing someone saying, for example, “This is George. He is heterosexual?”
So I’d been buttonholed and misrepresented very quickly upon arrival in this small town and I was not pleased. This is a big complaint of mine, that most people seem compelled to fish around for gender preferences when they first meet, as if that’s a value on which to judge a person and base a budding authentic relationship.
I don’t like being labeled and directed to a certain quadrant right off the bat, do you?
We don’t need to drop to that level, no matter what profession we are in… And, further, the population with whom I work is already suffering from the desecration of their sex lives by their partners. They don’t need to know about the private lives of their healers and teachers. Rather, they want to know if those people can help them to feel better and how to improve their relationships.
But what’s an even more important issue for me is that I was not thinking about gay, straight, or anything in between when I started this website and business. It is the nature of my personality and my work to connect us as humans, not separate us. I know how painful it is to discover a partner’s sex addiction, and wanted to share relief with anyone out there who has been hurt by similar circumstances. It has never occurred to me there would be separate little groups dealing with this issue divided by sexual preference.
Now that my story is out there, I want potential clients to know that my rule of thumb is that we are all Homo sapiens. We are all spiritual beings having a human experience. I am not gay, I am Kathy. And I have loved many people in this lifetime. And in the end, it wasn’t because of their gender.
There is an enormous spectrum of sexual proclivities as far as the eye can see. To separate clients into groups by gender or sexuality, when sex addiction equally impacts us all, is harmful to our souls and counter to the reason for my work.
Far too much is made of gender preferences and not enough is said to bring us together on a higher plane. I would venture to say that what we all unconsciously seek when meeting someone new, is a deeper, formless connection, which intuitively feels good. We don’t need to know right off the bat what people do in their private lives. It’s not true at all that we need to break down into healing groups according to race, sexual preference, age, or any other demographic.
I am introducing this entire story to extend my hand to all people suffering in painful relationships, especially where long-term betrayal is a major factor.
I have been in rooms where sex addicts meet together with partners of sex addicts. They were comprised of all socioeconomic and cultural backgrounds and sexual proclivities and the love and healing that came pouring out of those rooms has been among the most powerful experiences I have ever had. There wouldn’t be a dry eye in the place when we hugged goodnight.
So these are some of the thoughts that occurred to me when the well-meaning, Chamber of Commerce member decided to try to pigeonhole me into a category (and, completely inaccurately!)… I can’t be the only one who’s had this experience.
If you want to refer people to me, I always feel blessed to help. And I don’t care whether they’re “gay,” “straight,” or anywhere in between or beyond! Again, I work with Homo sapiens… I help any and all partners of sex addicts! You can turn to me.