The Other Side of Infidelity – A TEDx Talk Everyone Should See

I wish I’d known about the work of Kevin Skinner, PhD, when I first found out about the other life my partner led. The one as a sex addict.

This short (17-minute) 2018 TEDx Riverton talk, The Other Side of Infidelity, is just what I was looking for back then. I did not know how to express my needs, though I tried several therapists for relief from the unbearable emotions that accompanied my discovery.

Also, I’d never heard of these terms back then, infidelity and sexual betrayal, so I could not search for them to learn of his work. How sad for me.

Kevin uses these terms to encompass what we often refer to as sex addiction.

My recovery would have progressed much more rapidly, if I’d had access to this rich a support system. And Kevin had already begun this work by 2013, and it was available on YouTube.

Kevin’s talk is filled with wisdom, and compassion and curiosity, about how to comfort people who are going through what he and colleagues could only describe as symptoms similar to those of PTSD. They were all stumped. People aren’t taught how to comfort one another in university! So Kevin committed to discover how to do just that, i.e. how he could be helpful to these people.

In describing one experience he had and the rage one of his clients expressed during her first visit, Kevin stated that nothing in his nine and one half years of college prepared him to deal with these emotions. I love his honesty, especially coming from a researcher, and a psychologist.

Dr. Skinner sat and listened to this client … pondering what one should do … at a time like this. When their session ended and he saw the look on her face, he thought, “she can’t be alone today. Not today!” What he decided to do next is amazing! Be sure and listen to how he resolved this dilemma… It’s truly a love story.

He initially sent out 300 questionnaires to audience members, and over time received more than 1,000 responses. And here are the results:

• 60% had nightmares
• 6-7 out of 10 avoided people, places and things for fear of running into triggers
• 60-70 % had internal belief am I unlovable?
• 60-70% racing mind, hypervigilant, anxiety
• AND suicidal thoughts after finding out = 6 out of 10

Put another way, this is the percentage of the population suffering from infidelity and sexual betrayal in society right now.

Stats:

• 7 out of 10
• 70 out of 100
• 700 out of 1000
• AND suicidal thoughts after finding out = 6 out of 10

These are the three points he found they had in common:

#1. Everybody needs somebody fighting for them.
#2. We need people who understand us.
#3. Our trauma needs a voice.

The reason he brings up these facts and statistics is that each of us either knows someone who’s experienced sexual betrayal or they’ve experienced it themselves. And he’s not out there fishing for clients.

His point is that most of us know somebody who’s been touched by infidelity … This phenomenon is not going to go away. So, given this, how are we as a society going to respond, what are we going to say? Are we going to reach out? With a hug or a phone call or an offer to take care of someone’s kids for a few hours, so the parent can have alone time?

Kevin Skinner, PhD, is an unusually genuine and caring psychologist. Be sure to watch his 2018 TEDx Riverton talk, The Other Side of Infidelity. This entire presentation is filled with great stories. Listen to them more than once!

I am touched by the way Kevin treats patients. He is a good listener. He involves them right away in their own healing! What can they do in the now to begin building a healthier, less painful future. He lets them know of his personal experience with infidelity and how it ruptured his family of origin at an early age, which was not mentioned again for 40 years!

Watch the video now …

Have you enjoyed this TEDx talk as much as I have? This blog in particular I’d like feedback on. Has it struck a little deeper chord in you that there are professionals who can offer warmth and clinical support?

My experience has too often been that the element of warmth is missing from highly-degreed professionals. Please comment below any thoughts or feelings you’ve experienced watching Kevin Skinner, PhD.

I felt renewed hope there is help out there sporting a more egalitarian yet professional atmosphere in which to begin healing from this odious set of circumstances in which we’ve found ourselves.